


The Devil Went Up to Battle Creek

by Corvidology



Category: Battle Creek (TV), Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Challenge: into a bar, Gen, M/M, Misinterpreted conversation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:35:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24854704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Corvidology/pseuds/Corvidology
Summary: Written for the 2020 Into a Bar challenge.My prompt was:Lucifer Morningstar goes into a bar and meets... Aaron Funkhauser (Battle Creek)!There are worse ways to spend a Saturday night than having a few drinks with the Devil.
Relationships: Background Russ Agnew/Milt Chamberlain
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14
Collections: A Ficathon Goes Into A Bar





	The Devil Went Up to Battle Creek

His wife was out of town, Russ, Font, E, Milt and even Niblet were busy but his bachelor days were only just over and he'd be damned if he was staying home alone on a Saturday night. No he was going out and having a few beers... he'd be home before his wife called. 

Brewster's was crowded but he managed to get the last empty seat at the bar and was waiting his turn to be served by Danny when the bartender reached back past him with a martini. He wouldn't have guessed Brewster's even owned martini glasses. 

"Thank you very much, Danny."

An English accent. They— his wife liked to watch Masterpiece Theatre so he recognized it. He swiveled his seat a little to take in its owner. It was worth the swivel. Tall, dark, handsome and impeccably dressed, 'English' made Milt look like he worked for public sanitation. He'd have to tell Russ that one.

A short pinched face guy pushed passed 'English' almost spilling his martini. "Detective Funkhauser!" It was Murray from the 7-11. "It's me, Murray from the 7-11. You saved my live, let me buy you a drink!"

"You're welcome but I can't let you do that, it's against the rules." Murray's shoulders slumped, so he shook his hand. "But I sure appreciate the offer." 

Murray bucked up after that and disappeared back into the crowd.

" _Detective_ Funkhauser?" 

'English' stepped closer, tapping the man sat next to him on the shoulder to get his attention. "You want to go home."

"I want to go home." The man stood up, put some money on the bar and left.

'English' settled on the newly vacated barstool. 

"Might I buy you a drink, Detective Funkhauser? I don't recall you saving my life recently."

'English' lifted one hand a couple of inches off the bar and Danny sprinted back down to him like he was trying out for the Olympics. "Another martini for me, Danny, and?"

This was the quickest way to get a drink with the bar so crowded. "Budweiser."

"Budweiser." 'English' managed to make it sound like a dirty word. 

Within minutes, Danny was putting their drinks in front of them.

"Cheers, Detective Funkhauser."

"Cheers." 

They clinked their glasses before taking a drink. 

"Thanks for the Bud. My name's Aaron but most people just call me Funk."

"Then far be it from me to not be like most people, Funk. And where are my manners? My name's Lucifer Morningstar."

The English sure liked to give their children weird names, no American would name their kid after the devil, but then he'd noticed that name thing before, watching Masterpiece. Or maybe Lucifer was just his stage name. 

"Are you a hypnotist?"

"Pardon?"

"There's a touring group over at the What A Do theatre. The way you got that guy to give up his seat made me think you might be a hypnotist."

"Clever, but no." Lucifer leaned in closer. "I have the power to cloud men's minds."

"The Shadow." He laughed. "Guess I never quite grew out of comics though I've moved on some to graphic novels, Moore and Gaiman." Only Niblet knew he could be found in the Perfect Storm comic store at least once a month but only one beer in, he was admitting it to a stranger. 

"Neil didn't get me quite right but then I suppose that's artistic license for you."

That was odd, but Lucifer had already consumed two martinis in short succession and was gesturing for a third and another beer for him. 

"Then..." He wasn't sure if should ask. 

"Ask away, Detective—

"Funk."

"Yes, right, Funk. Ask away."

"Why are you here?"

"I'm here on a flying visit to see my nephew." He drained half of his third martini. "I've been to Detroit on business several times but never to Battle Creek before so we agreed to meet at this bar."

"Your nephew lives here?"

"Yes, he's in law enforcement too as luck would have it. It's possible you might know him but I'm still not quite sure how big this city actually is."

There was only one person in Battle Creek law enforcement that looked anything like Lucifer but it couldn't be. "You look the same age."

"Why thank you, Detective." Lucifer briefly pressed one hand to his chest. "But I'm older than I look and I come from a very large family with quite an age span."

That explained it. His uncle on his dad's side was only two years older than him. "Milt told me he was busy but I didn't realize he was meeting family." 

"Milt?" 

Lucifer looked puzzled. He was as easy to read as an open book and in that at least his nephew sure had him beat. 

"Milt Chamberlain. I knew he grew up in Europe but didn't realize he had English relatives."

"My people are everywhere but I've never heard of a 'Milt Chamberlain' before."

"Hello, Uncle Lucifer, Funk." Russ gestured at Danny who ignored him. 

"You're Lucifer's nephew?" His mom had raised him right but he couldn't believe it.

Russ scowled. "The one and only."

"Not anymore." Lucifer barely raised his hand again and he had a fresh martini in his hand, two glasses of Budweiser and Danny was already walking away. 

"What?" Russ looked dumbfounded. 

Lucifer turned to look at the man seated on his other side who got up and walked straight out of the bar. "You better sit down, Nephew."

Russ sat down and took a long pull on his Budweiser. "I have a cousin?"

"A baby, your Uncle Amenadiel's spawn. I thought you should know just in case."

There they went with those crazy names again. Russ had got lucky on that front at least. 

Russ' jaw dropped. "Does the family know about me now?"

Lucifer looked offended. "I gave your father my word, so of course not."

"Your family sounds messed up, man." With both Russ and Lucifer staring at him he knew he'd said it out loud and he'd only had three beers. "I meant it's sad."

"We had a difference of opinion and _fell_ out a very long time ago, Detective."

Russ snorted and Funk assumed it must be an inside joke. 

"It was good seeing you, Nephew but unless you need a favor—"

Russ shook his head so hard Funk was surprised it didn't fall off. 

"—I really must get back to Los Angeles."

Russ bit his lip. "Wait a minute." Russ scrambled in his pocket for his phone, pulling up a picture of the squad with Milt. He enlarged Milt's part of the picture. "Do you know him?"

"No."

Russ was smiling as he put his phone away.

"But I do know his father. He's one of mine."

Russ' face fell. "We're family?"

"No, not family, he's one of mine. He's a glamour demon." 

"Glamour demon?"

"He means a... stylist, Funk, Uncle Lucifer does love his little jokes." Russ swiveled all the way round to face Lucifer. "So Milt's evil?"

"I thought you'd given up talking like that about Milt, Russ." He was disappointed. Things had been so much nicer round the squad room since Russ had stopped calling Milt the devil. 

"So this is what you most desire, Nephew." Lucifer cupped one hand round Russ' face and while he flinched he didn't pull away. "Like you, all Milt got from his father was his looks." 

Russ nodded and Lucifer released him. 

It had only taken Lucifer minutes to work out what had taken the squad several months yet they'd still got there before Russ. He wouldn't tell him of course, but if Russ held off a couple of more days he could win the squad pool. 

Lucifer drained what was left of his martini, left two crisp one hundred dollar bills on the bar and stood up to shake his hand. He normally distrusted men who used a two-handed handshake but with Lucifer it was... well, comforting. 

"Lovely to meet you, Detec- Funk. Please keep an eye on my nephew. He does tend to get in the worst scrapes when left unattended but I suppose that's Milt's worry now."

And with that, Lucifer was gone.


End file.
